Parents and Children: Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Each person establishes a unique personal space within their lives, and the extent of this personal space varies among individuals and may fluctuate over time. They decide who can enter this space, and when and how they can enter. The size of the space someone creates between themselves and another person will depend on their relationship to that person, and the context.

For instance, when you find yourself on a crowded bus, you may become aware of the close proximity between yourself and the person seated beside you. This may not make you uncomfortable, because you know that it’s specific to the situation. But you wouldn’t want someone to stand that close to you in an empty bus, because in that scenario, someone you don’t know would be entering your personal space without consent.

Individuals form their own personal space as a means of setting boundaries. These boundaries are not only physical, but psychological. At some point, it becomes important for parents to set boundaries for their children. But how do you decide on these boundaries? And how loose, or strict, should they be?

Numerous parents encounter challenges when it comes to establishing boundaries for their children. One reason is that children are completely dependent on a mother’s (or other caregiver’s) care when they are born, and only separate from mothers as they grow older. As this separation occurs, it’s hard for parents to figure out how much autonomy they should give their children, and where boundaries should be set. Their natural instinct is to protect them, but acknowledging children as individuals is very important for their development.

Another factor contributing to parents’ struggles with boundary-setting is the deep emotional attachment they have towards their children. They love their children so much that it can be difficult to make objective decisions. They don’t want to upset their children, but they know that they have to do what’s best for them. Saying no to their children is probably more difficult than saying no to anyone else. The only way to overcome this is by establishing ground rules, knowing that not everything they want will be for their own good. Likewise, refusing everything they ask for can also be harmful to children. So these rules should be flexible, depending on the situation.

What is the significance of setting boundaries and how can it be accomplished?

Through the act of setting boundaries, you communicate to others about your personal limits, indicating which boundaries can be respected and which ones should not be crossed. The first step is knowing what you want. If the rules are clear in your own head, your child will learn from you. By establishing boundaries, you are helping them develop the skills they will need to make sensible decisions by themselves.

Let’s consider an example. Your child expresses a desire for chocolate before dinner, but you understand that it will likely diminish their appetite. If the child persists in asking, let him/her have the chocolate once. By sometimes getting their own way, children understand that they are recognised as individuals. However, you shouldn’t let them eat chocolate every time they ask because you don’t want them to get upset or start crying. The best answer to give a child is: “I know that you love chocolate and you want some now. But as your mother (or father, grandmother, etc.), I think you should eat it after dinner because….” You shouldn’t do everything they ask for but you should keep your promises and let them take the initiative sometimes. Just as in any other unbalanced relationship in life, if you do whatever they want without boundaries or rules, children will take control of your relationship. There are two people in every relationship and both should be in control. There should be a balance between both people’s needs so that no one gets hurt.

Keep in mind that you are an individual with your own purpose, and it does not solely revolve around ensuring everyone’s happiness, even if that person happens to be your child. If you really acknowledge your child as a separate individual, you can’t let them rule your relationship. Your boundaries should be clear, but flexible when necessary. You shouldn’t say “yes” or “no” to everything. Reactions such as crying, irritability or screaming after you say no shouldn’t change your answer. The trick is explaining why you said “no” and letting them know that they’ve been heard and understood.